Seeing the truth
Well I failed, I didn't check in before another 5 months and 18 days went by, instead I let another 8 months and 21 days pass us by. So a lot has happened in that time, I've been totally cleared by all my specialists, brain is good no more neurologist, eyes are good no more eye specialist and to top it off no more visits with my surgeon I have been cleared to just check in with my regular GP and cured myself of the pressure on my brain through losing an amazing 63.8kg.
I've been loving living my new healthier life, and had a ball over in America with my family over Christmas and New Years, I was sick for some of it but I was able to bounce back and have a ball riding quad bikes, shooting guns and playing in the leaves with my niece and nephew. I allowed photos to be taken without worrying about how I might look in them and it felt amazing.
Before I went away I entered a comp to win a free boudoir photo shoot, I got a phone call from a lady named Alice telling me I had won the shoot and after talking for an hour we had agreed to put it on hold until I got back from America. I was terrified at the idea, but at the same time I was curious and hoped with all my heart doing something like this would help me see even a sliver of what my husband see's in me. He has always told me I'm beautiful and sexy even at my heaviest but I've never fully believed him, I wanted to do something for me to help me see even a sliver of what he saw in me.
Don't get me wrong, my confidence has come so far since getting the sleeve surgery, with clothes on I feel amazing, I can see and feel the changes in my body and mind. But take the clothes away and the doubts start sneaking back in, when Alice called me again in January to book in my session I was so tempted to tell her I'd changed my mind, that little demon in my head telling me it was a bad idea, I wasn't going to like what I saw, all of that self doubt bullshit. But Alice was so positive and lovely on the phone and I locked in the date, 7th of Feb, I had a deadline and I had to man up and go find something to wear.
Everyone kept telling me to check out Honey Birdette, so after work one day I went in, the ladies at Cannington were amazing and patient with me and after an hour I left feeling broke but happy. I had found an outfit I thought I could feel confident enough in to go through with the shoot. I collected a few other item, leather jacket, my motorbike helmet and a purple Hawaiian shirt in honor of my husbands obsession, I also borrowed some amazing heels from an amazing work friend. Everything was kept secret from my husband as he wanted to be surprised.
Que yesterday, I got up, got my hair done by the incredible Jacquie at Jac's Colours & Cuts, seriously that woman is amazing, putting up with my crazy idea's and smashing it, you should totally give her some love on facebook. After that it was time, hubby drove me to the studio in Freo, my outfits packed into freezer shopping bags so he couldn't see them. The whole drive I felt physically sick with fear, dread and anxiety, however it wasn't long after Callum left leaving me in the hands of Becky and Alice at Portraiture by Goddess that I started to relax. The studio was beautiful and professional and Becky and Alice were fun, kind and almost instantly made me feel at ease.
I was taken back and the girls had a ball going through my bags excited that my husband didn't know what was in there, and excited by my choices making me feel even more comfortable knowing the professionals were confident in what I had brought along. Becky whisked me away and gave me some beautiful subtle for a photo shoot makeup and then it was time to get started. Getting into my Honey Birdette outfit I felt some of the doubt creeping back in but Alice was having none of that, she was so bubbly and positive and down the line that I had no option but to relax and have fun.
Right from the get go I let myself go, trusting myself over to her I followed direction and held the poses no matter how much of an idiot I felt like. Yes some of the poses felt weird as hell and I thought this must look insane, before I knew it our hour was up and I was changed and whisked away to the viewing room where Callum sat waiting, looking kinda smug not going to lie. Apparently Becky and Alice had been out telling him I did amazing and he was welcome. The fear crept in again as I was handed a coffee and tissues and the lights were dimmed, what if I didn't like what I saw, what if Callum didn't like what he saw!
Well the slideshow started and I didn't cry... I was too shocked to cry, too shocked to speak, too shocked and overwhelmed to really react much at all, I just stared at this women on the screen, she was beautiful, confident, sexy, elegant and a bit of a bad-ass, and she was me. After the slideshow we had to say yes to our favorites that we thought would make a good wall print for above our bed, and thank goodness Callum was there confidently saying yes, because I still couldn't speak, I was still staring at the pictures not really believing they were me.
We walked out of there with a print ordered and all 53 digital files being sent to us, yes it cost a fortune we probably shouldn't have spent, we have enough debt from America. At the end of the day though I'm so glad we did, its just money and I didn't just get some sexy photo's. I got to see for the first time in my life what other's have been telling me for years, what my husband, mum, friends, mother in law and the list goes on have been telling me. That I am beautiful, I am confident, I am sexy, and I am worth it, and all of that is worth way more than money.
Also I posted one photo to my Facebook and 10 to my Instagram and the comments and messages have been amazing, seriously I swear everyone is out to try and make me cry with their kind words. Well mission accomplished okay you can stop now thanks XD, without further ado let me share with you the photo's that have finally helped me see me for me, a sexy bad-ass who has come so far in the last 14 months, not just shedding 63kg but also slowly shedding myself of that little voice that says your not good enough.
xx Sarah
I've been loving living my new healthier life, and had a ball over in America with my family over Christmas and New Years, I was sick for some of it but I was able to bounce back and have a ball riding quad bikes, shooting guns and playing in the leaves with my niece and nephew. I allowed photos to be taken without worrying about how I might look in them and it felt amazing.
Before I went away I entered a comp to win a free boudoir photo shoot, I got a phone call from a lady named Alice telling me I had won the shoot and after talking for an hour we had agreed to put it on hold until I got back from America. I was terrified at the idea, but at the same time I was curious and hoped with all my heart doing something like this would help me see even a sliver of what my husband see's in me. He has always told me I'm beautiful and sexy even at my heaviest but I've never fully believed him, I wanted to do something for me to help me see even a sliver of what he saw in me.
Don't get me wrong, my confidence has come so far since getting the sleeve surgery, with clothes on I feel amazing, I can see and feel the changes in my body and mind. But take the clothes away and the doubts start sneaking back in, when Alice called me again in January to book in my session I was so tempted to tell her I'd changed my mind, that little demon in my head telling me it was a bad idea, I wasn't going to like what I saw, all of that self doubt bullshit. But Alice was so positive and lovely on the phone and I locked in the date, 7th of Feb, I had a deadline and I had to man up and go find something to wear.
Everyone kept telling me to check out Honey Birdette, so after work one day I went in, the ladies at Cannington were amazing and patient with me and after an hour I left feeling broke but happy. I had found an outfit I thought I could feel confident enough in to go through with the shoot. I collected a few other item, leather jacket, my motorbike helmet and a purple Hawaiian shirt in honor of my husbands obsession, I also borrowed some amazing heels from an amazing work friend. Everything was kept secret from my husband as he wanted to be surprised.
Que yesterday, I got up, got my hair done by the incredible Jacquie at Jac's Colours & Cuts, seriously that woman is amazing, putting up with my crazy idea's and smashing it, you should totally give her some love on facebook. After that it was time, hubby drove me to the studio in Freo, my outfits packed into freezer shopping bags so he couldn't see them. The whole drive I felt physically sick with fear, dread and anxiety, however it wasn't long after Callum left leaving me in the hands of Becky and Alice at Portraiture by Goddess that I started to relax. The studio was beautiful and professional and Becky and Alice were fun, kind and almost instantly made me feel at ease.
I was taken back and the girls had a ball going through my bags excited that my husband didn't know what was in there, and excited by my choices making me feel even more comfortable knowing the professionals were confident in what I had brought along. Becky whisked me away and gave me some beautiful subtle for a photo shoot makeup and then it was time to get started. Getting into my Honey Birdette outfit I felt some of the doubt creeping back in but Alice was having none of that, she was so bubbly and positive and down the line that I had no option but to relax and have fun.
Right from the get go I let myself go, trusting myself over to her I followed direction and held the poses no matter how much of an idiot I felt like. Yes some of the poses felt weird as hell and I thought this must look insane, before I knew it our hour was up and I was changed and whisked away to the viewing room where Callum sat waiting, looking kinda smug not going to lie. Apparently Becky and Alice had been out telling him I did amazing and he was welcome. The fear crept in again as I was handed a coffee and tissues and the lights were dimmed, what if I didn't like what I saw, what if Callum didn't like what he saw!
Well the slideshow started and I didn't cry... I was too shocked to cry, too shocked to speak, too shocked and overwhelmed to really react much at all, I just stared at this women on the screen, she was beautiful, confident, sexy, elegant and a bit of a bad-ass, and she was me. After the slideshow we had to say yes to our favorites that we thought would make a good wall print for above our bed, and thank goodness Callum was there confidently saying yes, because I still couldn't speak, I was still staring at the pictures not really believing they were me.
We walked out of there with a print ordered and all 53 digital files being sent to us, yes it cost a fortune we probably shouldn't have spent, we have enough debt from America. At the end of the day though I'm so glad we did, its just money and I didn't just get some sexy photo's. I got to see for the first time in my life what other's have been telling me for years, what my husband, mum, friends, mother in law and the list goes on have been telling me. That I am beautiful, I am confident, I am sexy, and I am worth it, and all of that is worth way more than money.
Also I posted one photo to my Facebook and 10 to my Instagram and the comments and messages have been amazing, seriously I swear everyone is out to try and make me cry with their kind words. Well mission accomplished okay you can stop now thanks XD, without further ado let me share with you the photo's that have finally helped me see me for me, a sexy bad-ass who has come so far in the last 14 months, not just shedding 63kg but also slowly shedding myself of that little voice that says your not good enough.
xx Sarah
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